Roanoke Re-education and Hatchery

But, but, but....

2008-01-05T01:31:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to say. This guy is even more disturbed than I.

You're worse, though.

Great Danes and Cancer and Madness (oh my!)

2007-12-02T14:41:00.000-05:00

Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke is, well, a blog by a gentleman named Joe Mathlete which explains each days Marmaduke comic strip. Pretty nifty, eh?

A tersely wry delivery chock full of sarcasm and disdain for the Brad Anderson penned strip is his forte, with good examples of the odd humor used here, here, and (a personal fave) here. It's a niche blog that's a real original.

Most posts include a graphic of the Marmaduke strip being explained, and while there is occasional "adult" language, I wouldn't consider it objectionable. If you do, I simply don't care.

No, the other Apple guy

2007-11-29T12:58:00.000-05:00

Why didn't anyone tell me about the Zen-like perfection that is The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs? The author does a truly masterful job staying in character as Fake Steve Jobs, blending satire, humor, and the funniest photo credits on the web.

I blame each and every one of you.

The HORROR!!!

2007-11-09T08:36:00.000-05:00

Tasteless, crude, and funny as all get out. My Brain Says Rage was initially set up so a couple of guys could write things to make each other laugh. Twenty years ago, their humor would've gotten them committed. I guess today's internet is good for something after all.

Favorite topics include Chris Benoit jokes, StegoSaurus's girlfriend problems, and the highly unsettling search terms people use (a regular feature helpfully titled We Are Awful, But You Are Worse) to wind up on their blog.

If you have a shred of decency stay away from MBSR. If you don't have a shred of decency but do have a sense of humor, check it out. If you fall into neither of these categories, keep voting Republican.

Quick post

2007-10-27T19:30:00.000-04:00

Head over to the perfectly-titled Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century. You won't regret it. Unless, of course, you're either retarded or from Vinton.

Bunnies made of hypothetical cheese.

2007-10-21T19:20:00.000-04:00

I know it will probably make your tiny little minds pop, but Uncertain Principles is a great science blog about life, the universe, and everything*. A personal favorite is the (soon to be available in book form) series of physics lectures involving Chad Orzel and his dog. For example, one of Orzel's conversations with Emmy makes accessible an aspect of quantum physics - specifically virtual particles - via a man/dog discussion about bunnies made of cheese.

Forget about the "here they be dragons" your teachers (a.k.a. you mom and sister) told you about. This is good stuff.

Edit to add - the whole schmear that is scienceblogs is a great read.

* DISCLAIMER: May not actually contain information about everything.

Words. Stinky, stinky, words.

2007-10-12T07:42:00.000-04:00

There's a time and place for literary fiction, and there's a time and place for escapist fiction. I won't even call it a "guilty pleasure." I enjoy mysteries and thrillers.

Readable ones, anyway.

A smattering of authors in these genres I wholeheartedly endorse:

Michael Connelly
Tess Gerritsen
Johnathan Kellerman
James Patterson

What do their books have in common? Good plots and characters, and prose that (at the very worst) isn't awful to the point of distraction.

And then there's Iris Johansen. Compared to her writing, the ingredients label on a bottle of Pert Plus is on the short list for the Nobel Prize for literature. That's right, I'd rather read the a bottle of shampoo. Seriously, it's just that bad. Excuse me while I gouge my eyes out with the spine from "A Prayer for Owen Meany".

That's better. Sweet, blessed release of blindness...

He's BAAAAAaaaaaaack

2007-10-06T09:07:00.001-04:00

John Scalzi's Whatever is finally back - pretty much. The archives haven't fully reappeared yet, so the glory that is bacon cat must be found via other means. His interests are wide ranging, and his opinions are typically well thought out and presented. He's quite effective at mixing humor and editorial content, such as the recently posted “Dear White House: Your Position on Secret Torture Memos Makes No Sense to Me, So Here’s a Picture of a Kitten in a Blender.”

An amazingly self documenting title, don't you think?

Scalzi writes (with amazing candor) about the publishing industry, his family, and whatever happens to be of interest to him at any given time. I'm really looking forward to his coverage of his upcoming trip to the Creationist Museum.

The site is sprinkled with graphics, and contains little or no language deemed unwholesome by constipated prigs. It also, unfortunately for you, contains no posts describing safe and effective methods for removing kitty litter from ill-fitting dentures.

Don't hate the Playaz, hate the game...

2007-09-19T09:56:00.000-04:00

For out and out surreal hilarity, it's tough to beat Playaz Ball. Five middle-aged guys whose leisure suit and Kangol wearing alter egos romp alongside their idols (Kenny Rogers, Larry Holmes, and Conway Twitty) huffing comet dust, killing endangered species, and taking naps in inappropriate places. Nicely categorized, a personal favorite is the Bon vs. Nature section, featuring outstanding posts such as "Bear eats monkey at zoo, Bon eats bear" and "Man eats small dog to protest Royal Family; Bon eats larger dog as counter-protest".

Side splittingly poor Photoshoppery (imagine Nancy Pelosi in bed with Larry Holmes) accompany many, if not most, of the posts. The site is somewhat graphics heavy, but contains suprisingly little (or no) language which moralistic hand-holders would object to. So check out Playaz Ball in between your bouts of maniacally but ineffectively picking at those lesions.

Locals will know...

2007-09-19T08:05:00.001-04:00

I submit to you:

Blog reading metapost

2007-09-11T09:45:00.000-04:00

Some blogging software and/or sites (notably LiveJournal) have a hefty-kewl optional feature known as a friends list. Using this, a blogger can have a centralized repository of blog posts made by their designated "friends". This is a great way to find blog posts from people with similar interests or styles. It can also be dangerously addictive - you check a blogger's friends list, find an entry you enjoy from someone else, go to their blog, read it, check its friends list, find more entries, ultimately spiraling into a Schwarzschild radius of wasted time.

Do yourself a favor, poke around LJ, and see what comes up. It shouldn't take long to find something more interesting than your home page.

Not Your Mother's Gossip

2007-08-26T09:17:00.000-04:00

Celebrity gossip blogs abound. But there's one that makes me literally laugh out loud (that's LOL for the extra chromosome wielding amongst you) with nearly every post. What Would Tyler Durden Do? is a snark masterpiece. From the nicknames

Kirsten Dunst is "snaggletooth"
Lindsay Lohan is "frecklet*ts" (my asterisk, not his)
Nicole Richie is "the chupacabra"

to the delightful commentary (on Britney Spears' childrearing skills)

"Holy god, If I had a son, I'd rather leave him at a NAMBLA meeting than with Britney. I'd rather leave him underwater."

the writer never fails to please. Be warned, WWTDD is patently and overtly offensive. It's also very graphics heavy, including many pictures and videos you wouldn't want your boss to see you pull up at work. Oh wait - never mind. I'm pretty sure you don't have net access at the chamois spot at the car wash.

Broadcasters are DUMM too.

2007-08-24T08:57:00.000-04:00

Despite its title, Fire Joe Morgan isn't only about Joe Morgan, it's about general idiocy by sports journalists, broadcasters, and announcers. Joe does hold a special place in its creators' hearts, though. Well written and unbelievably well researched, FJM points out how many sports "journalists" know less about their supposed areas of expertise than even you know.

Thats right, even you.

While it does cover other people, my personal favorite regular feature is the dissection of Morgan's online chats. I can't listen to him call a game, but I had no idea he was so mind bogglingly wrong about so many things, as well as incapable of answering simple and direct questions.

Fire Joe Morgan is low bandwidth friendly, and uses little or no language which uptight mouth-breathers would find offensive. You may now resume eating room temperature peas out of the can.

Thanks a lot...

2007-08-24T08:37:00.000-04:00

I was going to do you the favor of reviewing John Scalzi's Whatever blog, but he's taking a brief (and well deserved) hiatus. I imagine he's as tired of your unending inanity as I am.

Thanks a pantload, people.

285 and Counting...

2007-08-21T05:10:00.001-04:00

There are the humorous sports blogs everyone (except possibly you) are aware of, such as Deadspin. There are the specialized sports blogs ala Pro Football Talk with insight and investigative reporting which soar over your tiny, gnome-like head. There are the delightfully surreal (I'm talking to you, WizzNutz) which manage to have a truly unique voice.

And then there is the genius of Plunk Biggio.

Sure, we all saw Craig Biggio's 3000th hit on ESPN - I know you're incapable of digesting news beyond 30 second snippets with blinking lights and monosyllabic explanatory text - but were you aware that Biggio is approaching the all time record for being hit by pitches? Plunk Biggio lovingly documents this race to greatness.

Need to know Biggio's HBP breakdown by phase of the moon? This blog can tell you. Pull up a random page from the archive and find gems like

While Biggio has only been plunked on 12 of the 41 days on which a President was born, he's been hit on 15 of the 35 days on which a President has died.

Plunk Biggio is safe for work, uses few or no graphics, and doesn't contain material which could be considered inappropriate for children or other parasites. Now go back to your corner and bat around that ball of tinfoil.

Why?

2007-08-20T08:51:00.000-04:00

It gets quite old constantly hearing my legions of sycophants plaintively bleating "Please share your superior knowledge of blogs, books, and music!"

This blog will let me tell you about these things using a more efficient one-to-many algorithm, rather than endlessly repeating myself to you, my adoring (and tiresome) public. After all, my time is infinitely more valuable than yours.